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Out of Nowhere by Patrick LeClerc.
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Books by Quantum Muse contributors and friends.
A Felony of Birds

by Harris Tobias
The Greer Agency

by Harris Tobias
Assisted

by Harris Tobias
Hold The Anchovies

by Harris Tobias
Alien Fruit

by Harris Tobias
Peaceful Intent--Stories of human/Alien Interaction

by Harris Tobias
CHRONON--Time Travel

by Harris Tobias
The Stang

by Harris Tobias


No Muse is Bad News

by Harris Tobias


My muse is not picking up. I keep getting her voice mail. “This is your muse. I’m away from the phone right now but your call is very important to me so leave a message when you hear the silence.”  The silence part at least is true. The rest is what I imagine she’s saying. She is unfortunately, not actually saying anything, which is the whole stupid problem.

Damn muse. She’s been avoiding me for weeks now. All I get is a clicking noise, sounds like a bowl of Rice Crispies on the other end. Maybe it’s static or maybe my calls are being intercepted. Maybe my muse is desperately trying to reach me but she can’t because of the NSA. Great now I can add paranoia to the list of reasons why I can’t write.

I don’t understand it. She’s always been there for me, whispering in my ear, bursting with ideas for songs and stories. In that little muse voice, so charming, so seductive. What wouldn’t I give to hear that voice again. Just when I need her most, too. She must know that I have deadlines, obligations. Just when my career was starting to get some traction. I won that jingle contest for Frosty Bits Cereal and finally sold a story to Wiggly Rabbit Magazine. Now, when my name is being mentioned on the writer blogs, she pulls a stunt like this.

This can’t be the high point of my career, a stinking story in Wiggly Rabbit. I have more in me than that, this is just the beginning. Come on muse, send me something. There’s that clicking sound again. I wonder if it’s those hackers from the writer’s forum? They’re mad at me for borrowing the Frosty bits jingle. It’s not like I stole it exactly. I just used it and I think I made it better. I changed several of the words and rhymed ‘cereal’ with ‘ethereal’ which is something those bums never thought of. Besides, the idiot who posted it had no idea how good it was and anyway, if it’s online it’s public property, right?

Maybe she’s sick, my muse I mean. Maybe she’s having her period. Yeah, maybe she’s PMS and sitting in the dark all weepy and depressed. That must be it, she thinks I don’t love her, that I take her for granted. Not so. I do love you, really. Come on, bitch, pick up and talk to me.

On the forums they’re always talking about writer’s block as if it were a real disease. I never had any sympathy for it. I always accused my fellow writers of being dried up sissies afraid of a blank sheet of paper. Ha! Goes to show you what I know about anything. Here I am staring at that vast expanse of whiteness. That piece of paper looks like the side of a snow covered mountain and here I am without my snowshoes. Hey, that’s a pretty good image. Maybe I can use it somewhere.
    
I just heard from Wiggly Rabbit Magazine. One of their editors remembers her mother reading her my story when she was a baby. Her mother used to read to her from antique picture books. They’re accusing me of stealing the story. Naturally I was outraged. Who do they think they’re dealing with? Sure there are some superficial similarities. Anyone can see that the original story was about a bear. Mine is about a gorilla. And the title is completely different. I mean, what do people expect? There are no new ideas. Everything’s been thought of and written down somewhere. Sure I was inspired by that ratty old book but give me a break, I mean, what are the odds? Anyway, the upshot of it was that I’m banned from Wiggly Rabbit Magazine forever and I have to send back their lousy fifteen dollars.

I blame my muse. If she weren’t on strike I would have had some original ideas. I was desperate. It’s not like I cheated on her. I just adapted an idea from someone who's been dead for forty years and who knows where she got her ideas from? Why doesn’t Wiggly Rabbit accuse her of plagiarism? If that bitch of a muse had been on the job, none of this would have happened.
    
I just unloaded all this venom on the writer’s forum. I told them how Wiggly Rabbit was screwing me over. Plagiarism is such an ugly word. An accusation like that can tarnish a writer’s reputation forever. There wasn’t a lot of sympathy on the board. I started a new thread called ’unjustly accused’. So far I’ve received two replies. One was from the Frosty Bits guy who said I got what I deserved and that I stole his jingle and ruined it. He even said that ‘cereal’ and ‘ethereal’ didn’t rhyme. What a loser. I’d like to see him get something published in a national magazine. He said he was blowing the whistle to the Frosty Bits jingle contest and that I’d probably be hearing from them shortly. Well screw him. Who cares. I don’t even like Frosty Bits.

The second reply was from the chat board administrator admonishing me for violating the rule against using foul language, personal attacks and threats against persons and was pulling my comment off the internet. That really burns me up. I mean really, how low can a writer fall that he can’t even get his comments published on a chat board?

Of course this is all my muse’s fault. If she hadn’t decided to take off for Disneyland with her girl friends just when I needed her most I wouldn’t be in this pickle—blocked, abandoned, reviled, taunted and mocked. If I could write, I’d probably write a suicide note. One last try. Nothing. Dead. Just the snap, crackle and pop of the CIA tapping my imagination. Well I’ll have the last laugh, ha ha, I have no imagination. It’s in my muse’s handbag along with her tuna-fish sandwich.



2012-07-27 06:57:01
Stunning character reveal there. "How low can you go"? Beautifully done!


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Books by Quantum Muse contributors and friends.
A Felony of Birds

by Harris Tobias
The Greer Agency

by Harris Tobias
Assisted

by Harris Tobias
Hold The Anchovies

by Harris Tobias
Alien Fruit

by Harris Tobias
Peaceful Intent--Stories of human/Alien Interaction

by Harris Tobias
CHRONON--Time Travel

by Harris Tobias
The Stang

by Harris Tobias


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